Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
