good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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