Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
