too bad you live with your parents still
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
