I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
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I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
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This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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