On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
