He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
