it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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