I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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