Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
