Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
you're hired as official boob wrangler
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
