dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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