Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
There's even glitter on my cock...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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