Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
17 year olds will be the death of me.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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