Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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