Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Randomize
