I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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