don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
