This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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