i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
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got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
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We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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