if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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