if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
