so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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