just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
