dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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