Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
