don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
