here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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