you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
