I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Go christen that room with your naked body.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
