apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
