Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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