life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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