Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
