Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
