nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
