i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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