before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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