The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
