He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
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