No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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