dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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