Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
