I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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