I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Let's get the cat blown out
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