WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
