You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
