well I can't set my house on fire every night
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
