I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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