is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
