i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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