ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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