My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
