The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
