My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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