just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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