Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
