There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
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I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
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Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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