i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
