I think I won the penis lottery.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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